


Where Thou Diest...

by sapphicalexandra



Series: Seelie Court Kiss AU [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode: s02e20 Beside Still Water, Established Relationship, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Sexual Content, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 09:42:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11757177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: When Jace dies, Alec feels it...





	Where Thou Diest...

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, now this is the point from which i'll probably start throwing show!canon/events out of the window and make my own thing, after all the season is ending and in all the months until s3 i can't not continue this...  
> Anyway, this is written when 2x20 still has to air, and i'm basing the plot partly on 2x19 and partly on BOOK events that MIGHT happen similarily in 2x20, but obviously not the same (possible SPOILERS anyway). It's a weird mix that i hope works, but the plot is really not the most important part, and it's mainly only in the first half of this, so just read it for all the Jalec goodness (and angst) as usual set in the Seelie Court Kiss AU (i'd advise to read the other parts to get the context) ;)  
> Enjoy!

“You can stop all this, you can choose to be  _better_  right here, right now…please,  _Dad_.”

The crack in his voice at the last word angered Jace, yet he could not deny to himself that a part of him still was, and would always be, a scared and lonely little boy who had cried for his father’s death. And who longed for his father’s love. How desperate was he, that, after all this time, after all Valentine had done, he still wished he could  _change_  him?

Jace and Valentine were staring at each other, unmoving. Everything else was quiet, the only sounds to be heard the soft crashing of waves on the lake shore. Clary’s heavy breathing, coming from the place where she was trapped in a pentagram of Valentine’s doing, was easy to tune out.

“Oh, Jonathan…you were always the better part of me.”

And he passed the Soul Sword through Jace’s heart.

Jace didn’t feel the pain. Or, the emotional heartache must’ve hurt more than the literal one, because what he felt more acutely and clearly than anything were the tears slowly falling from his eyes as Valentine caught his fall and held him tenderly, as he died by his own hand. Jace had had one last hope for the man who had raised him not to feel love, and that was his final punishment.

The sky above was clear, cloudless, and beautiful. The screams that were coming from Clary, the unyielding convulsions that were shaking his body, the blood that was dripping from his mouth and spreading under him like a sheet, were like a distant nightmare, happening to someone else, not him.

In those last moments, he just felt  _sad_.

He couldn’t keep his promise.

* * *

 The sounds of battle were all around him. Demon after demon swarmed Brocelind Plain, and Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike pushed them back with all they  _had_ , the Alliance rune - Clary's new invention - enabling them to draw from each other’s strengths.

Suddenly,  _one_  sound prevailed over the rest.

The rattle of bow and arrow falling on the ground  _thundered_  in Alec’s ears, because he hadn’t noticed that he had let his weapon go.

Alec  _gasped_. A  _lightning bolt_  had just struck him right through the chest. Or, that was what it  _felt_  like.

His hand, as if it didn’t belong to him, as if he had just been  _thrown_  out of his own body and was experiencing it from the outside, rose and placed itself over his heart –  his still  _beating_  heart. Yet, every pulsation brought  _pain_ , an inexplicable, blinding  _agony_ …and he couldn’t breathe.

His mouth agape, he fell to his knees, doubling in on himself. Another ache was coming from his flank - a black hole was being  _dug_  from inside of him. And the source of the pain dawned on him…

Bringing a hand to where his parabatai rune was, blood came out of it…and he  _screamed_.

* * *

 “ _Jace_! Jace, please, answer me!”

“It’s too late, I’m afraid, Clarissa.”

“How could you  _do_  this?! How could you kill who has been like your  _son_?!”

 “Do you still not  _understand_? I’m doing this for all of us! We’ll finally be free of all these wretched  _demons_!”

“ _You_  are the real demon!”

But Valentine wasn’t interested anymore. Rising from Jace’s side, he used Jace’s blood to activate the pentagram.

* * *

 “ _Alec?_! Alec, what’s wrong?! Are you hurt?!”

Alec could only vaguely hear the shouts of his sister, as she rushed towards him. He also barely took notice of the shadowy forms of the demons slowly closing in on him, as he stayed there, clawing at his face, screaming his lungs out. If he could’ve  _ripped_  his lungs from inside of him, or, better, his  _heart_ , he  _would’ve_.

The throbbing in his side had stopped, abruptly, inevitably, like a switch had been turned off.  

“ _Alexander_!”

Lights started flashing somewhere ahead of him, the stench of burned flesh reaching him every time. Hands were now on him, holding his head upwards to face a long-haired figure he supposed was Izzy. Her mouth was wordlessly moving.  

He couldn’t hear anything, he couldn’t  _feel_  anything. His entire being seemed to start and finish in that bleeding, gaping-open spot. The severed end of a bond that wasn’t there anymore.

_“Promise me! Promise me you’ll be careful!”_

_“I – I promise, Alec.”_

He never should’ve let Jace go after Valentine alone.

“He’s dead. Jace’s dead.”

He didn’t recognize his own voice. He didn’t see what Izzy’s reaction was. He could  _tell_  that they were now under a magical shield, as Magnus was trying to protect them from the demon attacks…

None of that mattered.

Feeling his last ounce of strength leave him, Alec collapsed on the ground. His life, his  _existence_ , was void of anything that mattered. And he started screaming again.

He should’ve been by Jace’s side.

* * *

 “What did you do, Clarissa?!”

The Angel Raziel, in all his glory, in all his grandeur, had been summoned. Except, he wasn’t answering to Valentine.

Clary – despite everything –  _smiled_. She removed her hand from where she had changed the name on the pentagram. Raziel answered to  _her_.

The Angel wasted no time in killing Valentine.

“I can grant you a wish, Clarissa Morgenstern.”

* * *

 “Alec, you need to react! We need to get out of here,  _please_!”

Izzy’s sobs were echoing in his ears, as she was hovering over him, unsure of where to touch him, tears streaming down her face.

“I can’t hold on much longer!” came Magnus’s strained voice.

Alec was looking up at the sky, the beautiful, endless immensity above. His senses seemed to come back to him all at once, because he could now see it all.

Every star, every tree…

The shield around them that was thinning…

The moving forms outside of it that were slaying the demons coming their way – probably Simon, who was bonded to Izzy, and someone else of their friends, the squad  _he_  was supposed to lead…

The battle that was still raging on further from them – who knows what they were all thinking of his predicament, and what it had meant for their formation...

Everything was  _clear_ , and Alec knew what he had to do.

His hand closed on the knife he had strapped on his thigh.

**_Where thou diest…_ **

“Izzy, stop him!”

**_…will I die._ **

“Alec,  _NO_!”

Izzy grabbed him when the tip of the knife was only a few inches away from his heart.

He had no time for this. Couldn’t she see how he was  _bleeding_ , cut in  _half_ , irremediably, forever,  _broken_? He had sworn his oath! He wouldn’t live a half-life!

“Izzy, let me go!  _Let me go_!”

They started brawling, an ironic echo of the games they played as kids. Could they ever have imagined one of them having to stop the other from killing himself?

Their broken, strangled shouts must’ve been pitiful to hear.

“Jace wouldn’t want this! He’d want you to live!”

“Jace isn’t  _here_! He’ll never be again! I can’t – you have to  _let me go_!”

“I can’t lose you, too!”

* * *

 She could ask for any wish…she could ask for  _anything_ …

For a moment, the smiling, beloved face of her mother came to mind. She dreamed of running to hug her, burying her face in her hair, tears of joy streaming down their faces…

But that could never be.

The sight of Jace laying a few feet away from her – he had never seemed more like a small, tragic boy. He had just been killed by who he had thought all his life to be his father. What person would she be, if she just let that happen, when she could  _fix_  it?

_I’m sorry, mom. I love you. Forgive me._

Clary knew what to wish for.

* * *

 "Please, Alexander, don’t do this!”

“ _Alec_ … _don’t_ …”

He couldn’t make himself  _hear_  their desperate voices, or he wouldn’t be able to do it. He  _needed_  to do it. He wasn’t himself anymore, and he would never be,  _ever again_. He had just  _hit_  his sister, sending her flying against the magical shield, where she was now doubling over in pain…no, that person couldn’t be allowed to exist.

He found his knife on the ground, and he gripped it as hard as he could, trying to rein in the shaking in his hands. Tears were falling freely from his eyes, but he wasn’t bothered by them. Soon, he wouldn’t feel them anymore.

Magnus dropped the shield. Alec had no more than a second before he would be immobilized. He had to  _hurry up_.

 _I’m sorry_ , was his last thought.

* * *

 “Could you,  _please_ , bring Jace back to life?”

* * *

 Jace opened his eyes.

For a long moment, he couldn’t tell where he was, what he had been doing, or why he was lying on the ground. He could hear the soft crashing of waves, he could feel the cold of the terrain biting at his skin, and he could smell blood –  _lots_  of blood, but none of that made sense to him.

All he knew was that he was breathing, his chest rising and falling…and  _that_  felt, inexplicably, like a blissful, blessed act.

Only when a shadow clouded his sight, caused by the form of a crying and laughing Clary leaning above him, did Jace  _remember_.

A battle – J.C. versus J.C. – and Jace, with Izzy's help, had managed to avenge once and for all Max’s death, Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern finally falling to his death from a bridge...

They hadn’t had time to rejoice at their victory, however, because they all had to rush to Idris after learning that Valentine had managed to reach it, despite all their attempts at preventing him from doing so. The Seelie Queen, as it turned out, had made that possible, which at least ensured them the Downworlders’ support, when, suddenly,  _demons_  had started to infiltrate Idris after the mysterious deactivation of the Demonic Towers. Valentine must’ve had more assets than they had thought.

A counterattack had been about to happen, when Valentine had suddenly appeared in the middle of the street Clary and Jace were walking in, and he had grabbed Clary, pushing her into a portal. Jace had  _had_  to run after them at that point, in the hopes of stopping Valentine’s plans. He had reached them at Lake Lyn, the Mirror, the third Mortal Instrument, the last piece of the puzzle Valentine needed to be able to summon the angel Raziel and have him end all demonic life on Earth, Downworlders included. Apparently, he had needed Clary’s pure angel blood as well. Jace had  _tried_  to bargain with him, to make him see the errors of his ways, he had  _begged_  him to be a better person…and Valentine in turn had passed him through with the Soul Sword.

He remembered agonizing in Valentine’s arms – Valentine himself doing his last ironic act of  _good_   _parenting_  – as he felt the life fade from within himself. He remembered crying about his own idiocy, for how he had let that man ruin him one last time.

He remembered the worry and desperation in Alec’s eyes as he had tried to  _stop_  him from going after Valentine, and how he had promised him to be careful, to come back to him…Angel –  _Alec_!

* * *

 The knife was on the floor, his hands immobilized, well  _before_  it was magically induced.

Alec widened his eyes…and he could breathe again. He could’ve sworn he felt the blood happily rushing back in his veins, the color returning to his cheeks, as his vision cleared, and his mind was truly  _his_  again…because the parabatai bond was back in its  _place_ , throbbing and flowing with  _life_ , as if nothing had happened.

That couldn’t be possible. That was  _impossible_ …

Yet, it was happening.

“He’s – he’s alive…” he said, more to himself that to the others, hardly believing his own words.

“What?” The surprise was clear in Izzy’s voice, as she slowly got herself back upright. Her eyes were wide and glistening with tears. 

Magnus crouched in front of Alec, his hands still outstretched to hold him in his spell, and Alec turned his head towards him.

“Jace’s…alive!”

And he started laughing. Hysterically, crazily, he was  _laughing_ , as that unbelievable yet incontrovertible  _truth_  set on him more and more. The pulsing in his parabatai rune was even getting  _stronger_ , and that was the most lively and blessed sensation that he could imagine, after having thought everything had  _ended_. Jace was alive! He could  _feel_  his life force, his familiar and astonishing  _presence_  at the other end of their bond – the very same one that had just been severed…

“How is that possible?” Magnus echoed his thoughts, but he must’ve taken Alec’s reaction as the real deal, because he let him go.

Alec was breathing hard, in and out, unable to stop a smile from splitting his face in half. He shook his head at Magnus, and looked at his sister, whose own growing smile…made the harsh reality and the feeling of  _shame_  come crushing down on Alec. His face fell, and his throat closed painfully.

“Izzy…Iz, I’m  _so_ –”

But she shook her head firmly, and she was about to throw herself into his arms, when a shout reached them.

“Watch out!” Simon called out to them.

Magnus was up in the blink of an eye, sending to the depths of hell the demon coming their way.

Alec looked around, and he finally _, really_  took in his surroundings. It was  _chaos_.

The entire hill was a whirlwind of movement, and the ground littered with bodies and ashes emanated the most unpleasant stench of  _death_. The screams and clashes of the people fighting for their lives were positively  _deafening_. The bubble they had been encased in was slightly apart from the thick of the fight, which had probably tried to stay clear of them…

Alec dreaded to know if he had had any hand in causing it all to go downhill.

And yet…that battle, its importance, its cruciality, still felt so far away from him. He couldn’t focus on it, he couldn’t bring himself to  _care enough_. The pulsing life-force at the other end of himself  _needed_  him, now more than ever.

He had to find him.

And as the sight in front of him became no more than an aggravating obstacle between him and  _Jace,_  an unprecedented kind of  _anger_  mounted deep in Alec. He’d had  _enough_  – of pain, of loss…he wasn’t letting any of that touch  _Jace_  ever again, if he had a say in it.

When another demon growled and launched itself on them, Alec, bow and arrow back in his arms,  _rose_ , and shot it with all he  _had_.

He hit the target...but that wasn’t the most surprising part.

A  _blast_ , bright and golden, rippled out of the disintegration of the demon, and the entire plain was  _inundated_  by it. The light was burning his eyes, so Alec shielded himself with his arms, as shouts were heard all around. But the explosion didn’t harm anyone…except for the  _demons_  in its trajectory.

Alec’s mouth fell open. Had  _he_  just done that?

But, of course, Alec was bonded to Magnus through the Allegiance rune…he had magic abilities now. They hadn’t been quite this strong so far, admittedly, but that was the only explanation he could find. It was  _working_ , that was what mattered. His path was clearing in front of him faster than he had expected, and he needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

“Come on, let’s go!” he shouted to his squad.

Not waiting to see if they were following him, Alec started running. Arrow after arrow hit their targets, and every time a new blast stronger than the one before caused the surrounding demons to dissolve into dust.

_He would get to Jace._

* * *

 “What – what happened? How am I…alive?” Jace managed to croak out, his mouth full of Clary’s hair as she hugged him painfully tight, sobs shaking her petite form.

Awkwardly, he patted her back. Not that he wasn’t touched by her clear distress for his death (and resurrection), but her emotions added to his own were  _overwhelming_. He didn’t  _know_  how to deal with emotions well – that was another thing he had to thank Valentine for – and he was trying hard to not let the tears fall, not now at least. He needed to be strong for her…and they needed to get out of there.

Clary disentangled herself from him, and recounted what had happened after his death as best as she could. It was only then that Jace noticed Valentine’s body a few feet away from them. For a moment, he was shocked, and his stomach tightened. He would need time to process that – but, ultimately, it was for the best. It had to be.  

“So, you wished for me…to be back?” He felt inexplicably  _touched_ , and it showed in his voice. Clary could’ve wished for everything,  _anything,_  and she chose to bring  _him_  back. Looking at her reddened face, he thought of her mother, Jocelyn. “You – you didn’t have to. Your mom–”

“Don’t even say that, Jace. It was the right thing to do, you didn’t  _deserve_  to die like that. My mother didn’t either…but she wouldn’t have wanted to live at your expense. I’m  _sure_  of it. One day, I will see her again…but as long as I’m here I need to be the best person I can be, in her memory.”

A few tears escaped from Jace’s firm control, and he initiated a new hug, trying to convey with it all that he couldn’t say. He and Clary had been through so much together, some of it good, most of it bad, and in the end, he would always care about her.

“Thank you,” Jace whispered, and he had never meant it more. He had to clear his voice to continue. “We should bring Valentine’s body back to the Clave.”

They rose, and Jace found himself having a lot of difficulty doing that. His head was spinning, and he wobbled on the spot. He felt  _raw_ , every nerve ending on edge, his hands tingling, his knees weak and unfeeling. Was that what it felt like to come back to life?

But he couldn’t let himself surrender to those sensations, and to the tiredness in his bones.

He went to pick Valentine’s body up.

“Wait, Jace, you can barely stand up! I’ll carry him!” protested Clary, putting a hand on his arm to stop him.

Jace looked at her straight in the eye. “I need to do it.”

She must’ve seen something in him, because, in the end, she let go.

The trek back to Alicante seemed to last a lifetime. Every movement, every step hurt. His insides felt frizzly, the body on his shoulder as if it weighted ten tons. Still, he went on, deaf to Clary’s concern, determined to carry his burden on his own. It had always been his to bear.

Strangely enough, they didn’t encounter any demon as they passed the forest, and Jace chose to see it as a sign that the battle was going well for their forces…

A knot tightened around his heart when he thought about  _their forces_.

He had  _died_ , and  _Alec_  must’ve felt that. Since he had woken up, Jace had felt frantic, on edge…and it had taken a while to realize those emotions weren’t exactly his. He could feel Alec’s desperation to reach him  _burning_  in him, and at least that meant Alec was  _alive_ , and that their bond hadn’t been broken by his death, no matter what the oath said. Still, Jace tried as best as he could to send Alec’s way the feeling that he was  _fine_ , in the hopes of mending the distress he had caused his parabatai.

But that didn’t feel as  _enough_. He needed to  _see_  Alec, and that need was so primal, so strong, so  _pressing_ , that it was slowly consuming him from the inside-out…Jace needed to  _touch_  his parabatai, to hold him and be held by him, because he had just  _died_ , and this new life coursing through his veins still hadn’t experienced the closeness of the other half of him.

Cause the truth was, while he was still ultimately  _himself_ , Jace felt like a new person had been brought back, someone who was now reacquainting himself with life. He was, for all intent and purposes, a new born. But he was still  _incomplete_ , and he would be until he wasn’t reunited with  _Alec_.  

Jace pressed harder, quickening his pace.

In the end, they reached the City Hall of Alicante, and Jace laid the body on the ground in front of the Inquisitor Herondale, his grandmother. She looked stunned, staring at the body in awe, and she looked proud, Jace could tell. But he wasn’t really in the mood to be happy about that. He stared straight ahead.

At the Council’s request, he heard Clary recount what had happened,  _everything_  that happened, and Jace kept silent through all of it, even when they all started examining him and his blood-stained shirt.

When Clary stopped, he asked about the demon attack.

“It’s still on-going. The demons clearly haven’t progressed beyond Brocelind Plain, but we still have no other news,” clarified the Inquisitor. “We’re sending a scout.”

They had to wait some more, then.

 “Can I be excused for the night?” Jace barely had the energy to ask.

Tomorrow, hopefully, he would have the usual fire he put in everything he did, but in that moment, he just wished the Council would let him go without him having to beg for it. They could examine his miraculousness another day.

His grandmother took a long look at him, and she nodded. “Go rest, both of you.”

Jace and Clary started to make their way towards the Lightwood mansion in silence, no need to voice the worry they both would carry until all their loved ones came back to them.

At some point, however, Jace broke out into a smile...

Alec was in the city, getting closer and closer – Jace could  _feel_  it. Every part of him sang for his parabatai’s return.

* * *

 His comrades, spurred with new energy by his unexpected display of power, were following Alec’s charge. The demons were still never-ending, flooding the plain again and again every time their numbers started to dwindle, but their counterattack became more organized, more focused, more efficient. Until finally,  _finally_ , the jointed effort of the Shadowhunters and Downworlders brought an end to the endless advance of the enemy.

A roar of joy erupted throughout the plain, but Alec could barely hear it.

Moving away from the others, he took from under his shirt the chain he had wrapped around his neck – at the end of it, the Herondale ring.

* * *

  _Alec, Izzy, Magnus and Simon were in the Lightwood mansion in Alicante, getting battle ready before they were supposed to go to the City Hall and join the rest of the army – which included a big portion of the city guard, as well as Luke’s pack, the New York vampire clan, and the handful of Warlocks they had managed to recruit. Alec, however, noticed someone was missing._

 _He went upstairs to the living quarters, and there he was, Jace, giving him his back as he packed his weapons. Something was_ wrong _, judging by the sense of unease he could feel coming from him through their bond._

_“Where’s Clary? We’re about to go.”_

_Jace stiffened. He didn’t turn around._

_“Jace?”_

_Alec took a few steps forward, worry only growing in him. He went to put a hand on Jace’s shoulder, and his parabatai finally turned to face him. He had a strange, set look on his face, and he was avoiding Alec’s eyes._

_“Jace. Where is Clary?”_

_“He took her.”_

_A pause, then, “What? What are you talking about?”_

_“Valentine. He appeared in the street and took her through a portal before I could reach them. They must’ve gone to Lake Lyn – the plan is starting…”_

_Alec’s head was spinning, trying to wrap itself around what he had just heard. “So, wait, what does he need Clary for? And you mean that at any point all the Downworlders could start_ dying _?! Why didn’t you say anything?! We need to warn the Inquisitor and the others, we need to dispatch…”_

_“No.”_

_Jace looked him straight in the eye, and the resolution Alec saw there was unwavering. Alec opened and closed his mouth a few times._

_“Jace…what are you saying?”_

_“There’s a swarm of demons advancing on the capital, we can’t spare anyone! But_  I _need to get to Valentine, I can_ stop _him once and for all – and this time, I won’t fail. Alec, there’s nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.”_

 _Alec wanted to protest, he wanted to shake Jace so hard until he started making sense again…but he knew that it would be to no avail. Jace’s expression had an apologetic undercurrent, but the fire in his eyes wouldn’t budge, not even for him. Alec_ knew _his parabatai inside and out, and there was no stopping him if he put his mind to something. Just recently, Jace had refused to back down from a direct fight with Jonathan Morgenstern..._

 _But he be damned if he let Jace go on his own again. The ghost of the injuries his little brother’s killer had caused his parabatai still haunted Alec. He had come so close to_ lose _him as well…and he didn’t think he’d survive someone else dying because of him._

_“I’ll go with you.”_

_Jace shook his head furiously. “No, Alec, I need to do this alone.”_

_“No, you_ don’t _. You never have to do anything alone! I’m your parabatai, whither thou goest–”_

 _“Alec, please! The people will be counting on you, you’re a squad leader! They’ll be_ needing _you…”_

 _Those words_ stung _more than Alec would’ve expected. His stomach dropped._

 _“Of course, since_ you _don’t need me.”_

 _Silence fell on them as if someone had abruptly turned off the sound. Jace was staring at him, stunned, and Alec, embarrassingly, felt his eyes starting to burn. Because he knew that was the truth, that was how it had_ always _been. He had always needed Jace far more than Jace needed_ him _. Lately, he had thought, maybe, that he had been wrong…_

_Jace seemed to come out of his trance. He stepped closer to Alec, gripping his arms, invading his personal space, and Alec lost his breath – damn Jace and the effect he always had on him! – as Jace kept Alec’s gaze trapped in his as if to burn himself into Alec’s soul...as if he wasn’t already._

_“I_ need _you, Alec, to be far, far away from_ Valentine _. You know what he does, how he uses me and the people around me…Alec, I can’t – I can’t do what needs to be done if you’re there. Please, I’m_ begging _you, my parabatai, stay out of it. You’re the_ one _person I need most in this world, how can you not know that?” And the shaking in his voice couldn’t be but genuine._

 _Alec felt ashamed of his doubts then. Jace had made it very clear of how much he needed him, of how most of all he needed him_ alive _. And there it was…the one thing that would’ve made him cave. Alec knew that Jace feared what Valentine would do to him, if he ever found out about_ them _. He would weaponize their love for each other in the worst ways possible…_

 _A part of Alec still wanted to fight, to try and find a loophole that would either make Jace stay or him go…but he knew he had to do this for him._ _Alec closed his eyes, defeated, and he nodded._

_He felt Jace’s hands come up – oh, so tenderly – to hold his face, and Alec leaned forward to let their foreheads touch together._

_Inhaling the same air as his parabatai’s, reminiscing the time not so long ago when they’d been on a roof, with a different yet similar sense of doom coming down on them, Alec basked in the feeling of_ belonging _being this close to Jace always gave him._

 _Suddenly, however, he broke apart, gripping Jace’s arms_ hard,  _fighting the still-strong urge to shake him. “_ Promise me! Promise me you’ll be careful! _”_

 _Jace gulped, now more subdued than before. “_ I – I promise, Alec.”

_Jace then brought his hands to his own neck and, strangely enough, removed the necklace with his family ring from around it. He went to put it around Alec’s neck._

_“Wait, Jace, what–”_

_“Keep it for me. You’ll give it back when I return.”_

_Jace smiled, and Alec felt warmth pool around his heart. Jace was giving him what was left of his family, his heritage – in a sense, it was as if he was giving him_ himself _, and Alec didn’t know why he felt so touched, because Jace had already done that a long time ago, reciting an oath in a circle of fire. Back then, however, Jace hadn’t known about this part of himself…it was only_ _now that he could give it to Alec. Only_ now _, there were_ _officially no more parts of each other’s lives that weren’t intertwined, and Alec held his head down to receive the Herondale ring with a certain kind of_ reverence _._

_“Alec, are you ready? We’re about to go!” Izzy’s call reached them from downstairs, and the moment passed. It was time._

_“Don’t tell the others what is happening. If the Downworlders find out that Valentine’s so close to fulfilling his plan, it will distract them from the battle,” Jace told him. Alec raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth… “I_ know _you don’t want to lie to them again! But this is just – I won’t let anything happen to them, I promise this as well…you just need to have faith in me.”_

 _Alec stared in the depths of Jace’s differently-colored eyes…and he knew that he would follow him to the ends of the Earth._ If I have faith in something, it’s you. It’s always been you. _Those had been his words, and he would stand by them forever, even if that made him a fool._

_Alec nodded._

_They were still not letting each other go. Alec registered a new resolution on Jace’s face a fraction before he was being pulled in for a kiss. He couldn’t help the moan that escaped him, as he responded, melting against Jace, opening his mouth and savoring his familiar taste that still made him so incredibly dizzy._

_Alec still marveled at how he had survived so long without_ this _. Their bodies fit perfectly, so rightly together, and in the few weeks since they’d become_ lovers _they had found that out more and more. During the day, when they have to keep their distance, life had become like a slow, constant torture, that only accomplished to_ intensify _his burning_ need _and desire to be close to Jace, to be_ with _Jace._

 _It felt like he was a perpetually starving man, and Jace was his cure, unescapably. If the guilt, the fear, the shame for what they were doing came to coil around his heart in his lowest moments, it was in moments like_ this _that he realized all over again why it would always be_ worth _it._

_When they broke apart, Alec couldn’t escape the pleading in his voice, “Come back to me.”_

_“I will.”_

* * *

 Alec stared at the ring in his hands, painfully recollecting the circumstances he had got it, mentally berating himself for how he had ceded so easily and let Jace go. Why could he never make the right  _decision_? He had almost lost Jace, he  _had_  lost him for a while there, and if that had been permanent it would’ve been nobody’s but  _his_  fault. He had failed him, just as he had failed Max. And the darkness, the  _emptiness_  of a world without Jace…wasn’t sustainable. He didn’t want to live through it again. He  _wouldn’t_.

Filling his mind with thoughts of Jace, Alec let the ring guide him to his parabatai.

As it turned out, Jace was back in Alicante, and now that he had a clear destination, Alec started running as fast as he could. He heard his friends trying to catch up to him, but he didn’t mind them, and pressed on.

Every less space that he put between them, it felt like the air filling his lungs became fresher and sweeter to inhale. Every cell in his body was  _yearning_  to be reunited with the other half of him, and that only spurred him to go  _faster._  Not even entering the city slowed him down, because he could sense that Jace was nearby, and he would find him at any cost.

He was  _so_  close, closer…and closer...

Rounding a corner not far away from the Lightwood mansion, his heart skipped a  _beat_ , and he  _welcomed_  the tears starting to pool at the corner of his eyes. Because the sight of Jace, a safe,  _alive_  Jace, walking on the street beside Clary, could’ve made him go blind on the spot for how much it filled his burning eyes with its  _light_. 

Jace saw him too, and he stopped in his tracks, a smile on his face, the  _emotion_  on it mirroring Alec’s own.

Did an eternity pass, or just an instant, before they collided with each other, their bodies  _clinging_  to one another, nullifying any separation that existed between them? He couldn’t have said. All that Alec  _did_ know was that he had Jace in his arms; he could inhale his unmistakable scent, he could hear his labored breaths, he could  _touch_  him and  _feel_  the life coursing through him, a fact that he couldn’t have trusted himself to be sure about before that exact moment. Jace was  _alive_. He might’ve been crushing him with the strength of his embrace, but Jace was doing the same to him. They might’ve been crying, or laughing, or both, but nothing mattered besides their overwhelming  _need_  to dissolve the space between them that made them two separate beings…when they  _weren’t_.  

Jace was talking, Alec sensed the mumbled words said against his neck more than he  _heard_  them. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Alec broke them apart only enough to be able to hold Jace’s face in between his shaking hands. “You were  _dead_. I felt you  _die_ , you were  _dead_ …”

Jace was blinking furiously, as he croaked out, “Val – Valentine…he killed me, with the Soul Sword.”

Anger started to  _burn_  in Alec, those words making him positively  _sick_ , and he started studying every inch of Jace, from his pale face, to the blood-soaked shirt that clung to his body.  _His_   _fault_.

“The angel Raziel then brought me back to life, by Clary’s request,” Jace continued.

In the end, what did it matter  _how_  the miracle in front of him had happened? Still, that statement got through to Alec, and he followed his parabatai’s gaze to where Clary was side-hugging Simon, smiling at them through her tears, “It’s – it’s a long story.”

It was then that Alec also noticed that Izzy and Magnus were there with them as well. Izzy came forward and put a hand on Jace’s arm, and she was crying too. Jace tried to smile at her…but all of a sudden he was stumbling forward, as he turned even paler than before. Thankfully, Alec hadn’t let him go, and he managed to hold him upright. His entire weight was on Alec. It was like all the adrenaline had faded, and all the exhaustion of his death and resurrection had just come crushing down on Jace.

Yes, the explanations could wait. He needed to bring Jace home.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered against Jace’s hair.

* * *

 Izzy stopped in front of Alec’s room, hesitating to enter. She was just going to go to bed – even though she doubted she would get some sleep – but the furious beating of her heart wouldn’t subside if she didn’t go check on them.

Clary’s words, explaining what had happened, as her, Izzy, Simon, Magnus, and Luke – who had joined them – all set in the living room, still resounded in Izzy’s mind. Jace had really  _died_ , and if it hadn’t been for Clary and the Angel Raziel…Izzy shuddered only at the thought. And without fail, the blank, void face of her big brother as he tried to put a knife through his heart came back to her, making the picture even bleaker. She didn’t think those images would ever stop haunting her. She had just almost lost two more people in her life...

Still, they had to go on, and she knocked, pushing the door open a moment later at Alec’s reply. He was getting out of the bathroom, fresh clothes on him, his hair damp and messy. His expression turned pained as he saw her. He came towards her anyway.

“How is he?” Izzy asked.

“He – he’s shaken, but he’ll be fine. He’s in the tub, cooling off a bit.”

Izzy noticed the pile of bloody clothes that he had in his arms, which he threw in the laundry basket, and she gulped, nodding.

Alec took a deep breath. “Iz, I’m –”

“Don’t, Alec,” she interrupted him. She managed a smile, for how hard it was. “You don’t have to apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Still, I shouldn’t have  _hit_  you. I can't - I can't believe I  _did_ …I just, I couldn’t  _think_ , I couldn’t care about anything, it was just all dark and–”

She stepped forward, and took his hands in between her own. “I know – I think I’ve  _always_  known, that if I ever had to lose one of you, I’d lose both…and I can’t deny that it hurts. It hurts _so much_. After M-Max, seeing you like  _that_ –”

She found herself buried in her brother’s embrace, as she tried to restrain herself from outright crying. She might’ve failed a bit. Lately, it seemed like that was all she could do. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I love you, little sister…” Alec was saying against her head. He was choked up too, and she hugged him tighter.

In the end, it was Izzy who broke apart first, wiping her face with the back of her hand. “Just tell Jace that I love him. And I’m here for whatever he needs.”

Alec nodded. “Iz…we’ll be alright. We need to believe it.”

Her addiction, their parents’ separation, Max dying, Jace and Alec almost dying…the only way to go next  _had_  to be up.

Yeah, they needed to believe that.

* * *

Jace was staring at the ripples caused by his fingers on the water’s surface as if in a daze. The soft sensation of the water all around him was a balm, and he was glad he had chosen to step into the tub after he had already taken a shower. All his joints were finally loosening up, and the water helped him get used to his own body again, to its shape, to its responses to the world around it. Eventually, it would all start to feel normal again – not a novelty, or something to marvel at. Eventually.

The sound of Alec’s footsteps got him out of his trance, and Jace turned towards his parabatai, who was making his way back into the bathroom.

 _One_  thing was right in his life again, at least.

When Alec had come running towards him in the middle of the street, and he had crushed him into a bone-shattering hug, Jace had felt  _something_  finally set in its place inside of him. Melting into the hug, he had held Alec as hard as he could, frustrated at how it still felt not  _enough_ , yet he had sighed in relief. Buried in his parabatai’s arms, the need to search for his missing part was gone, and Jace could  _let_   _go_. He had felt all strength leave his body, and he had collapsed in on himself.

He didn’t remember much of their trip back home, with Alec basically carrying him all the way – the contact of Alec’s body had been the  _only_  thing he was constantly aware of.

His first conscious thought came when he was thrown under the shower, Alec following him suit. The water had awakened his senses, and he had been able to  _see_  the look of utter horror on Alec’s face as he stared at his bloody chest. He had brought Alec’s hands over his heart, so they could both feel and relinquish in its steady beating.  _I’m here, I’m alive_ , he had tried to convey. Alec had then hugged him again, even fiercer than before, and no more external layers were in the way of them being as close as possible as they could physically get (for now). He remembered thinking in that moment that he would’ve very much liked for them to be truly, completely,  _fused_  together…only then could nobody ever separate them again.

Jace didn’t exactly know where that exaggerated  _need_  had come from, but even now, having Alec a few feet away from him, as he approached the tub, was positively  _maddening_. For a few minutes, their bond had been severed,  _he_  had been not of this world anymore, and a deep-rooted fear for that to happen again had taken ahold of him… He had to literally  _force_  himself not to sound as needy as he felt and ask Alec to come in there with him, and make him  _feel_  all the ways in which he was alive and connected to him in every way.

But looking at Alec’s tired and swollen face as he knelt beside him, Jace knew that it wasn’t the right time.

Alec must’ve felt something similar, however, because the first thing he did was take Jace’s hand in between both of his, interlacing their fingers together before laying his head on top of them. He then stared at Jace’s face as if he still had trouble believing he was real.

“Izzy tells me to tell you that she loves you and that she’s here for you whatever you need,” Alec said, barely above a whisper.

Jace sighed, nodding. He knew there were a lot of people, Izzy most of all, that he needed to talk to the next day, and he wished he were in a better state to reassure her now. They had already lost Max…it pained him to think how she must’ve been feeling right now. And all because he had been so  _weak_  and stupid to...

Jace had to look up, fighting to keep treacherous tears at bay.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Alec told him, his voice soothing. Of course, he had noticed immediately. “You don’t have to be strong or some bullshit that you’re telling yourself right now. It’s okay if you’re  _not_. I think it’s  _especially_  the case now.”

Alec smiled at him, and he brought a hand to caress his face, softly, lovingly. If he did it like that, how was Jace supposed to keep it together? It was already too late.

“I’m  _tired_ , Alec,” he admitted, brokenly, breathlessly. “I’m tired of things never going my way. I’m tired of my life being shaped by Valentine and the fucked-up things he does to me. I can’t believe I let him  _kill_  me.”

“No, Jace…don’t even say that. You didn’t  _let_  him do anything,  _none_  of this is your fault! Yes, Valentine has hurt you in many, many ways – but he’s gone now. He can’t hurt you anymore, you can start your life anew, free of him!”

They had already had a similar conversation, and he had already been resolute not to let his life be ruined by Valentine again…yet here he was, anyway. He didn’t want to say this to Alec and bring him down, not after what he had put him through, but if he couldn’t tell  _him_ …

“How many more times do I have to start anew?” He wanted, he could’ve  _begged_  Alec to give him an answer, but he knew there wasn’t one. 

Alec lowered his eyes, gripping Jace’s hand harder. “I don't know, Jace. I guess, how many times that it  _takes,_ until it gets better. And I’ll be here with you all the way,  _parabatai_.” He then looked him straight in the eye, and in  _his_  eyes, there was a fire, a  _promise_ , that Jace knew he wouldn’t break.

It seemed that the only way forward was… _forward_. Jace took a deep breath - then he exhaled until he had no more air in his lungs. He did that a few times, feeling it with his entire body.    

Alec watched him in silence, bringing Jace's hand to his lips in the most tender of kisses, his presence and affection all that Jace really needed. And he used that moment of quiet to  _really_  regard his parabatai for the first time since they’d been back. Despite being clean and refreshed, Alec still looked like a  _mess_ , the circles under his eyes his most prominent feature. His grip on Jace’s hand never faltered.

Why did they seem unable to ever take a break from heart-shattering, world-altering events?

“How – how was it?” Jace asked, tentatively. At Alec’s raise of eyebrows, he went on, “Feeling me  _die_. Is it as painful as they say?”

Alec inhaled sharply. He opened his mouth, averting his eyes, but no words came out. His lower lip was wobbly.

Jace took that as a yes. When Alec had almost died in his arms, their bond had been at its  _weakest_ , and all that he had felt had been a dull absence for those few moments Alec hadn’t breathed. Thus, he couldn’t even begin to  _imagine_  what  _Alec_  had gone through…

Then, it occurred to Jace that if Alec had been in pain while surrounded by demons…

“And what happened? What did you do? Weren’t you in the middle of a battle?”

Alec cleared his voice. “Magnus and the others protected me from the attacks.”

“Were you on the ground? Could you move?”

“Jace…I suddenly felt something like a  _bolt_  strike me through the heart, and the pain was  _so_ …and when I realized that it was coming from  _you,_  and then I couldn’t  _feel_  you anymore, I…yeah, I fell on the ground. No, I couldn’t move.”

Jace fell silent. His heart was in his throat. 

"Alec, I'm  _so_  sorry. I – I failed, I couldn’t keep my promise, and if it weren’t for Clary, the entire Downworld –"

“Shhh,” Alec shushed him, kissing his hand once more.

“Don’t you regret trusting me?”

“I regret,” Alec hesitated, “I regret not being there next to you. That’s all. It’s over now, things turned out well, and, honestly, right about now…I’m tired of worrying about what could've happened or not.”

The finality in his voice shut Jace up. Things couldn’t be changed at that point, Alec was right...and Jace sank into the water a little more.   

Alec looked odd, however, Jace suddenly noticed. He was  _nervous_ , fidgeting with their joined hands. There was something he wasn’t telling him. “Alec, did - something else happen?”

Alec wasn’t looking him in the eyes. A nagging thought started edging at the back of Jace’s mind…

“Alec, look at me.”

Alec, reluctantly, did …and Jace understood what had happened. “You – you  _didn’t_ …Alec, you didn’t try to  _kill yourself_ , did you?!”

Alec’s lowered eyes were answer enough.

Jace couldn’t breathe. He shot upright in the tub, panic flaring up his insides.

“Alec!”

“ _What_ , Jace?!” Alec shot back, defiantly.

“You can’t – if I die you need to  _live_ …”

He couldn’t be the cause for Alec’s death!

“No, I don’t! I swore an  _oath_ , and I mean every word of it! Where thou diest,  _will I die_.”

“But–”

“You don’t understand what it was like! I felt  _broken_ , empty, like all the light had gone from the world! I was  _catatonic_. I saw the other side of a world without you, and I could never live in it…Jace, I  _can’t_!”

The sudden silence left a ringing in Jace’s ears. He was staring at Alec wide-eyed, his heart pumping wildly in his chest, as he slowly took in his words.

“What if it had been  _you_ , wouldn’t you want me to live?” he still asked him.

“Of  _course_. But I only know what  _I_  would do.” Alec's voice made it clear that he wasn’t going to relent.

They were still staring at each other, breathing hard.

In the end, it was Jace who gave in. He leaned his head forward until it was touching Alec’s, wiping the tears that had escaped from both his and Alec’s eyes. 

“I couldn’t live in a world without you in it, either,” Jace whispered.

* * *

 Jace was finally under the covers of his bed, and Alec had  _truly_  no more energy in his body. Jace had his eyes closed, but he reopened them in hearing him approach.

“Will you stay?” Jace asked, a plead in his voice.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

  _Alec heard the door of his room open, and, thanks to the light entering from the corridor, he saw the small frame of_ Jace _come in. He was surprised, to say the least. He liked the new kid his parents had brought home, they had already trained together more than once, and he had been really impressed – if a little jealous – by Jace’s unprecedented skills, even though he was younger than him._

_But, besides that, Jace had been generally distant, closed off. He had had a glimpse of why when he had found him crying on the roof of the Institute. That had surprised him, too. The sight alone had made his stomach clench nervously. Still, it had spurred something in him, and he hadn’t been able to restrain himself from going to sit by him, despite Jace's protests. He had shared his snack with him, and Jace had reluctantly made him promise to not tell anyone that he was crying for his father’s death. Alec had promised. He didn't understand why, but he had felt very protective of Jace ever since that moment._

_Another time, he had heard Jace’s screams come from the room right beside him, and he hadn't thought twice about going to wake him up and try to comfort him, in any way he could._

_That must’ve been the reason why Jace now felt confident, or comfortable, enough, to go to him. The thought pleased Alec._

_“Did you have another nightmare?” he asked him._

_Jace nodded stiffly. “Can I... can I stay here?”_

_That surprised_   _Alec even more, but he nodded eagerly._

_“Of – of course.”_

_Alec moved a bit further into the bed to make space for Jace. He suddenly felt nervous at the prospect of having him be so close…but he couldn’t very well kick him_ out _._

_Jace came under the covers. Alec didn’t know what to say, so they stayed in silence, facing each other, for what seemed like an eternity. It was thankfully dark enough that they didn’t have to look each other in the eye._

_“Do you want to tell me what it was about?” Alec asked tentatively, at last. The thought of Jace battling tricky demons like_ nightmares _made him uneasy – he remembered how long it took Izzy to get rid of them._

 _Alec heard movement, Jace must’ve shook his head. He had expected that. He still felt the need to help him more, somehow. If he just let Jace fall asleep so that he could have another nightmare, what was the point of him being there? Alec tried to search his brain for a solution,_ something _._

_“You know…my mom says that nightmares are just images conjured by our brain when we’re afraid of something. She used to make Izzy, and me as well, tell what we were scared about before going to bed…it didn’t always work, but it helped a bit, I guess. Do you want to try?”_

_Jace squirmed a bit, obviously uncomfortable at the idea._

_“I’ll go first,” Alec offered. He didn’t wait for Jace’s response. “I’m scared…of not being able to be as good a Shadowhunter as my parents expect me to be. I just – I’m afraid of disappointing them.”_

_Jace was still silent, but Alec could’ve sworn the air surrounding him had softened, so he went on._

_“Oh, and I’m afraid of demons.”_

_“_ Demons _?” Jace's disbelief was clear. “We’re demon hunters!”_

 _“I_ know _. That’s why I’m scared. We’ll have to spend the rest of our lives fighting them, and one of them will probably kill me…so yeah, I’m afraid for when I’ll have to actually face them.”_

 _Alec had meant to open himself up a bit to encourage Jace to do the same, but now that he had voiced some of his deepest fears…Alec was starting to feel uncomfortable, embarrassed even. Would Jace judge him? Think he was_ weak _? Would he make fun of him in front of the others from now on? Angel, he was regretting this already._

_His discomfort must’ve showed, because Jace suddenly started to speak. Alec’s heart was pumping in his ears._

_“I’m afraid…” Jace’s voice was hesitant, but firm. Alec widened his eyes, “that I’ll never live up to my father’s expectations, too. He was – very demanding. He wouldn’t want me to cry and have nightmares about his death. He’d be…ashamed of me. He’d call me_ weak _.”_

_Alec stopped breathing for a second. “I – don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re very brave…for going on with your life like you are. But your whole world has just turned upside-down, of course you’d be upset! It’s only normal, I guess. Not that I can understand what you’re going through…but if you ever feel like that again, know that I’m here, if you need anything. I – I want to be your friend, if you’d like that.”_

_Jace stared at him – Alec thought – for a long while, unmoving. Then he spoke again. “Alec, I – thank you. I think I’d like that, to be your friend, that is. And I think you’re brave too…I bet you’ll become the best Shadowhunter there is, after me, of course.”_

_Jace’s mirth was contagious, and Alec started laughing, his nervousness fading away._ _He had never had a friend his age, beside his little sister. He felt…light. He had a friend._

* * *

 Alec got under the covers, immediately going to hug Jace and place his head over his (now-)beating heart. He had the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep if he couldn’t hear that steady, reassuring sound. Warmth,  _peace_  surrounded them, and they would be  _fine_. Alec repeated that to himself in time with Jace’s heartbeats.  _We will be fine, we will be fine_ …

Jace could probably sense his unease, because he circled him with his arms, placing a kiss on his forehead. 

“I’m afraid...” Alec started, in a whisper, “of losing you again.”

Jace breathed in, slowly, then he shifted himself until he was on his side, facing Alec, their faces only a few inches apart. “Ditto,” he whispered back.

Alec closed his eyes, letting their foreheads touch. That was a game they always played when they were kids, when Jace had been plagued by nightmares of his father’s death. After saying one fear each, they then used to fall asleep side by side with the reassurance of the other’s presence. With time, they had done it less and less…still, doing it now felt  _right_. The first night they had voiced their fears, they had decided to become  _friends_  – and what a ride it had been since then. At the time, they could hardly have imagined they'd one day get to where they were now.  _Parabatai_ , their souls forever linked together.  _Lovers_ , going against the Law’s dictates. One of them had  _died_ , yet here they were. Alec wouldn’t change any of it, if it meant a different outcome.

The fear of losing Jace was still very much real, a painful throbbing in his chest. Jace had come  _this_  close to not come back to him…

"Don't do that, ever again," he begged him. 

"You know I can’t promise you that, Alec…but know that I really, really don’t want to die anytime soon.”

He would take that, he had to.

They gripped each other's hands as hard as they could, falling silent as they both waited for sleep to reach them. To not much avail. 

“I forgot to give you your ring back,” Alec remembered suddenly. 

He had removed it when they had gotten into the shower, then he had put it back on when he had gotten dressed and Jace had been in the tub. He now made a move for his neck, but Jace stopped him.

“Keep it.”

Alec stared at him. “I  _can’t_  keep it.”

“Why not? I want you to have it.”

“But, it’s the only thing you have that belonged to your family…”

“ _You_  are my family, Alec.” Jace’s voice made it sound like that was a thing Alec should’ve already known.

“I  _know_  that, you’re my family, too...but this is  _different._ Your grandmother gave it to you, what if she saw me wearing it? What would she think of you giving your family ring to  _me_?”

“You’re my parabatai, it wouldn’t be strange.”

“Yes, it would. Jace, rings are…serious stuff. Everyone knows sharing rings is a  _romantic_  gesture. I’m sorry,” Alec brought a hand to Jace’s face, trying to crease with his thumb the frown that had formed there, “you know I can’t wear it.”

Jace sighed. “What, a guy can’t be romantic towards his parabatai now?” He was grinning, but Alec knew that he was frustrated.

“Not in this world, no.” Alec got a little closer, and he slid his hand down over Jace’s body until he reached his hip, squeezing it lightly, “Not in  _public,_ at least _._ ” He managed a smirk of his own.

Jace turned serious, however. He brought a hand to Alec’s neck and hooked his finger on the chain around it. He looked up then, and the  _fire_ Alec saw in his eyes caused a new kind of heat to start mounting in the pit of his stomach. Therefore, he wasn’t surprised when Jace pulled on the chain and brought their lips together.

Oh, how Alec had wanted to kiss Jace since the moment he had seen him in the street. He had wanted to  _imprint_ on his lips the shape of Jace’s mouth,  _breath_  the air out of his lungs to make sure that it was  _there_. Yet, he hadn’t dared…not even among their friends, who, despite them not having told a single soul, must  _know_.

He did it  _now_ , however, kissing Jace ten times deeper and harder than he had ever done before, if that was possible. It surely felt like that to him. Opening his mouth, he breathed Jace’s air as if he were to suffocate if he didn’t. And when he slithered a hand under Jace’s shirt, he  _sighed_  at the heat and pulsing of his skin. He pulled Jace even more to himself, and he couldn't help but notice how  _pliable_  he was in his hands, the little moans he could hear coming from Jace not far from  _desperate_ , and demanding  _more_. This was the first kiss of Jace's new life, Alec realized. He didn't know if it meant something for Jace, but Alec was glad he had the  _honor,_ and he swore right then that he would make the most out of it, would make it  _worth_  it for Jace like never before.

Still, they were tired. They should’ve stopped, and gotten some well-deserved rest…yet, they couldn’t just  _ignore_  the bristling,  _live_  electricity that was coursing through them. There wasn’t a place in Alec’s body that didn’t  _feel_  it, or that wasn’t  _consumed_  by it. The strings connecting his life to Jace’s were pulling and writhing and  _claiming_  to be  _closer_  to him, and Alec was but a mere vessel. Jace had never felt more like a continuation of himself, so no words were needed to know that Jace was feeling the same. They were two supernovas on a path towards each other, and nothing, not even themselves, could’ve stopped the inevitable collision.

They removed each other’s clothes like two possessed men, their movements fast and frenzied like never before. The covers were soon forcefully pushed aside, no more than a nuisance for their blazing skin.

Alec pushed himself forward, and found himself on top of Jace, who promptly went to circle his hips with his legs, an unyielding grip that would surely cause bruises later. Alec would welcome them on his body  _proudly_.

“Make me feel  _alive_ ,” Jace demanded against his lips.

Alec did.

* * *

 Jace felt boneless, sinking deep into the mattress as if he were made of jelly. He was caressing Alec’s head, playing with his hair, while Alec was sprawled all over him with his face buried into his neck, his every breath sending shivers run throughout his body. Alec’s weight on him was the kind of burden he would always  _welcome_ , Jace thought, as he already wished to  _have_  him again. In fact, he didn’t think he would ever get  _enough_  of him. Their coupling had been hectic,  _ardent_  in a way that had left him gasping for air more than once, but in a way that was entirely opposite to what had happened earlier on the lake shore, thank the Angel (literally).

Yet, despite their urgency, it had still not been sex…no, with Alec he never had just  _sex_  - and he, more than most people, could tell the difference.

Whether was it slow and affectionate, or rough and passionate, they made  _love_.  Countless sexual partners – for how fun and enjoyable – had never come  _close_  to fill the hole that he didn’t know he had in his heart, while only  _one_ touch from Alec managed to do that, and so much  _more_.

This time wasn’t any different. Alec had held him, had fulfilled his every wish, had given him all that he wanted, be that to be  _fucked_  as if there were no tomorrow, to be softly touched, or to be joined  _deep_ with him, to reach that closeness that he had  _so_  craved for since they had collided on the streets of Alicante. He had needed that as if his life depended on it…and in a sense, it did. Only when he couldn’t have told where one of them ended and the other started, did Jace’s  _soul_  finally find its peace. Only when they had muffled their screams against each other’s mouths, as they came undone, had Jace  _truly_  felt alive.

That might turn out to be a problem, in the future, he mused. If as they were now – pressed together, holding each other in the most intimate way, coming down from an unprecedented high – already wasn’t  _enough_ …

Jace was starting to realize why this kind of intimacy between parabatai was  _forbidden_. Their souls were already so deeply interwoven together...if they shared their hearts and bodies as well, they might  _lose_  themselves in each other. The main purpose of parabatai pairs was to be enhanced  _soldiers,_ and having them divert their focus from their sacred duty to be with each other  _couldn’t_  be welcomed. Yet...how did they expect two people, who willingly knit their  _souls_  together, to not be  _quite_  as close as they could be, when they were closer with each other than any other mortal (or immortal) could ever be with anybody else? In  _no_  way was it  _not_  an unfair request, or a cruel one.

As if responding to Jace's own desire – a fact that was very likely – Alec started kissing his neck, leaving a wet trail all over it until he reached his chin, the side of his mouth, his lips... Jace welcomed him by holding him even closer to himself, all the while he started tracing the runes on Alec’s back. Alec moaned at the shivers that were being sent to his body at every new touch, and Jace smiled against his lips. 

Jace could reason with himself all he wanted, about how the road they had taken might be even trickier further along than they thought it would be; that still wouldn’t make him regret any of  _this_.

Abruptly, he flipped them over, laughing at the surprised sound that came out of Alec. Positioning himself better between Alec’s legs, he quickly covered any further protest with his mouth, and Alec gave in into the kiss with eager abandon. Jace sure  _loved_  when Alec put himself into his hands, as if he was giving him everything that he  _was_ , saying  _it’s yours, it’s always been yours_.

And the fervor and devotion with which Jace  _took_  him managed to shake  _both_  of them to the core. They might have to apologize to a few people the next day, for how loud they were - if they didn’t know before, they now surely  _did_. Jace would still never regret any desperate  _I love you_  being shouted against slick, burning skin.

Only much later, was Jace finally, tiredly, contentedly falling asleep against Alec’s chest…when he had to let out a sound of protest at his parabatai leaving the bed.

“ _What the_ –”

“Sorry, but we can’t fall asleep like that. If someone arrives tomorrow to check on you…”

Alec was walking around the room, butt-naked, collecting the clothes they had thrown away…and Jace had to shake his head in disbelief. "Are you  _kidding_  me right now?"

He was not. Unbelievable...Alec, always the sensible one, even after Jace had just, pretty much, fucked his brain  _out_. It was amusing, really, and Jace resorted in enjoying the view, as he put on the clothes he was given without protesting  _too_  much (he might've protested a bit  _more_  at being given his ring back). The faces Alec made at him in noticing his stare, while a blush spread from his face to all over his chest, were also very entertaining. It made Jace positively  _giddy,_ knowing thathe could still embarrass Alec. 

Now dressed, Alec was coming towards him again, finally…until he dived for the arm chair in the corner, starting to push it towards the bed.

“What in the world are you  _doing_?” Jace couldn’t mask the outrage from his voice.

Alec looked apologetic, but he didn’t budge. “What did I just tell you? We can’t risk being caught sleeping together, even with our clothes on. One rumor is all we need…”

“I just  _died_. I think my parabatai is justified in wanting to be close to me under these circumstances, don’t you think?”

“Not this close, Jace,” Alec’s voice had turned somber, and the pinch of sadness he could sense in him made Jace stop protesting. He still sighed morosely.

Alec positioned himself on the chair, which had been put as close as possible to the bed as it could be. Alec tried to fold his long limbs to fit into it, but it was mostly a lost cause.

Jace moved towards the side of the bed where Alec was, and he outstretched a hand.

“You’re too far away.”

Jace knew that he was pouting, but he couldn’t help it. That was the opposite of what he wanted.

Alec took his hand, but, needless to say, it was an uncomfortable arrangement. After a while he rose from the chair in frustration, pushing it forcefully away, and kneeled on the floor instead. He laid his head on the bed, facing Jace.

“I’m here." A pause. " _I love you_.” 

Jace always thought that  _words_ could never be enough to convey all that they were to each other and  _felt_  for each other, but the way Alec  _said_  it, had embedded in every sound all the pain he had felt at losing him, all the joy at having him again, all the need to never let him go.

“ _I love you too, Alec_.” And Jace tried to convey the same.

Alec interlocked their hands again, and, this time, with both their arms on the bed, they fit perfectly. It still wasn't the perfect outcome, but it would have to be enough.

Jace closed his eyes...and the fact that at the end of a day like that - the day of his death and resurrection - the last thing he saw was the face of his parabatai, the other half of him, the most important and beloved person in the world to him…didn’t make it all so bad.

Eventually, Jace could feel the sleep finally closing in on him. Nightmares might plague him…his heart might start aching – despite how much he wished it  _wouldn’t_  – for his father’s death,  _again_ …but his breathing was synced with Alec’s, and he was at peace.

His last conscious act was tightening his grip on Alec’s hand.

* * *

 Neither of them could see it, deep in their slumber…but their runes were  _glowing_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Spot the Ruelle verse i sneaked in...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it!


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